Category Archives: Humor

The Night the Toilet Paper Ran Out

There’s a new rule in our house as of last weekend.

If you take the last roll of toilet paper from under the sink, IMMEDIATELY tell an adult who can drive to the store and buy more.
toilet paper

Because at 7:56 pm Sunday night, I discovered we were out of toilet paper.

Usually I’m on top of the toilet paper situation. I monitor it closer than a 13 year-old girl monitors One Direction’s Instagram account. But I was sick all weekend. Our supply dwindled to naught while I languished on the couch in a daze of NyQuil and Vicks Vapor Rub.

It was the first time we ever completely ran out of toilet paper. We had a close call once during a blizzard in 2014, but the snow plow came through just in time for us to venture out to the liquor store/bait shop/pizza parlor down the road and avert certain disaster with a four-pack of sandpaper that cost $6.99.

Shell shocked, I swore to never let it happen again. I bought the 60 roll jumbo pack at Sam’s Club. We made Wade move into David’s room, so we could store our Armageddon bunker sized toilet paper stash in his. Then I got comfortable. Too comfortable. I went back to buying 12 packs, because they fit on the shelf in the bathroom sink vanity. Oh, the price we pay for convenience.

There are only four of us in this house, but we go through a lot of toilet paper. I think each of our boys uses one roll a day. The toilet is in a perpetual state of being clogged, because they flush too much of it at once. When the boys move out, we’ll be able to pay for their college just with the money we save on toilet paper.

I’m not sure why they need so much toilet paper. My husband has even held seminars in the bathroom about the optimal amount of toilet paper and how to use it properly. He’s done it so many times he could give a TED Talk on it. Yet they continue to use amounts that only a person in the jungle with dysentery should need.

By 8pm Sunday night, the liquor store/bait shop/pizza parlor down the road was closed. No one wanted to drive 20 minutes into town to buy toilet paper. So we held a family meeting. We decided we could survive the night with a box of Puffs Plus with Lotion. Everyone was clean and well-moisturized. At least it wasn’t Puffs Plus with Vicks. *shudder*

I resupplied us Monday morning. As of this morning, Wednesday, we’re already down six rolls. Maybe I should schedule twice weekly toilet paper deliveries from Amazon’s grocery subscription service. And a couple of boxes of Kleenex too. Just in case.