I went to the mall today.
My mind is reeling.
I have so many questions.
Like, why do fashion designers make fall and winter clothes that are sleeveless? I know a few of you live where it’s endless summer, but the majority of us are well out of reach of tank top weather this time of year.
Maybe that’s why no one is shopping in your stupid stores.
It’s not the economy.
We just don’t want to get hypothermia at church.
I also wonder what brilliant person named the Dress Barn? First of all, they have more pants, tops and purses than they have dresses.
Second of all, most of us already feel like cows when we’re tying on clothes in those ridiculous dressing rooms with the fun house mirrors and bad lighting. It’s only adding insult to injury to be in a store named after a building that houses bovine. And when your friends gush, “Oooh, I love your outfit! Where did you get it?” Do you really want to answer, “The Dress Barn.”
These Jeanie-in-a-Bottle jeans leave me with so very many questions. But mainly just why? (Sorry about the photo quality. Camera phone.)
Who would wear these, and on what person in what world would these be flattering?
And then there is this book with a picture of Santa on the cover, sans pants. Frankly I don’t want to know the answers to the questions that this brings to mind.
How about this vending machine selling Pro Active Solution? It’s just weird and science fictionish.
But I am most perplexed about this. Why is The CHILDREN’S Place, which caters to CHILDREN, designed in such a way that it is impossible for a woman with a CHILD in a stroller to navigate her way through the store, and purchase merchandise that is sized specifically for said CHILD riding in said stroller? After using my supermom powers to get through the racks and throngs of people to that one shirt I wanted, I got stuck in line.
It was my turn. But there I stood unable to actually get up to the register. I was blocked from the front by other people, and the very counter I wanted to get to. On either side were loaded racks of clothes closing in on me. Behind me was an angry mob about to trample me if I didn’t get out of their way.
I said, “Excuse me,” nicely. Not a single person moved. Finally, I just pushed my way through, running over the foot of one particularly stubborn woman who was apparently rooted to the floor. She glared at me. I smiled sweetly, and said again, “Excuse me.”
I didn’t say sorry, because, honestly, I really wasn’t sorry.
Now there are a few things they’ve got right at the mall.
The Family Restroom for instance. If it weren’t for that recent invention I’d have to go without any liquids 12 hours prior to shopping. I really don’t know how I’d ever be able to use the regular restroom with a four year old and a baby in tow.
And then there’s this smart marketing ploy I saw on a sign outside the Motherhood Maternity store. “Have cravings? Spend $75 and get a $50 restaurant gift certificate.” I mean combining free food, shopping and pregnant women? Genius.
Just. Pure. Genius.
But the best idea they have at the mall by far is the children’s recreation area. Germ ridden as it may be, there’s nothing like an indoor jungle gym and carousel on a cold day when the kiddos are climbing the walls and driving you up the wall with them.
And hey, if you accidentally buy a new purse on the way to the jungle gym, well it’s really not a bad day.
Just don’t tell anyone you got it at The Dress Barn.