The last few days it’s been an effort to be Mom.
I don’t want to change another diaper. I don’t want to figure out what to feed the boys. I don’t want to wash bottles or play hide and seek.
I don’t really even want to blog.
You know what I want to do?
I want to lay on the couch, and watch hours of reality TV repeats on Bravo. Uninterrupted.
When I worked in an office before I had kids, there were days I didn’t want to be at work. Even if you love your job, it happens.
I could “phone it in” at the office. My job was mostly self-directed. So if I was tired or distracted, I kept busy with some mindless task like scanning (That was way back in 2004 when photos still came printed on paper) and processing new product photos in Photoshop. I pointed and clicked, eyes glazed over, my mind somewhere else. Eventually the clock hit five, and I went home.
If I really, really didn’t want to be a work, I called in sick and played hookie.
Mom can’t call in sick. I’m already at work when I wake up in the morning.
Mom can’t “phone it in”. Children must be dressed, feed, supervised, entertained lest the the house be turned upside down, or worse, someone gets hurt. Their needs don’t stop just because I’m having a bad day.
Being Mom doesn’t end when the clock strikes five. Mom doesn’t even get a lunch break.
Most of the time I enjoy being Mom.
But the last three days I’ve just had enough.
Every time I hear, “Mooooom!” I want to pull my hair out. I long for nap time to come, and dread the sounds of waking children an hour or two later.
Right now it’s overcast, and I’m hoping that it’s raining when the boys wake up, so we don’t have to go outside to play.
I don’t know the cause of my melancholy.
The kids aren’t being uncooperative. I’m not overly tired. My husband is helpful and supportive as always. I’m not stressed.
When I have days like this I pray.
Sometimes minute by minute just to get from one moment to the next.
“Lord, help me get through the day. Help me not lose it during Candy Land, because the kid won’t follow the rules. Help me find the will to make dinner. Help me find the pacifier so the baby will stop crying. Please let Spongebob be on so David will sit still and be quiet for 20 minutes.”
Maybe this is His way of drawing me closer. Teaching me to rely on Him.
I don’t know.
I do know I made it through Saturday and Sunday. I’m halfway through today. Tomorrow, I think, will be better.
I’m already feeling a little better.
Blogging is nothing, if not therapeutic.
And the praying helps too.
But I’m still wishing for that rain.
Photo used under Creative Commons License.