If You Think Killing Baby Seals and Lining Ear Muffs with Their Silky White Fur Is Wrong, Please Re-post This

People!

Stop asking me to re-post your status update if I have the greatest step-aunt ever because she was there for me every Thanksgiving when my family dinner turned into a brawl.

Stop asking me to re-post your status update to take a stand with you and prove that I’m not ashamed to admit I eat peanut butter from the jar with a spoon.

Stop asking me to re-post your status update to end child hunger, bring about world peace and cure the AIDS epidemic.

STOP IT!

Just stop it.

You’re right. 98 percent of people will not re-post this.

Not because they hate their step-aunt. Not because the don’t eat peanut butter from the jar with a spoon. (Who doesn’t?) Not because they want children to go hungry, don’t want world peace and don’t want to cure AIDS.

No. They won’t re-post your status because it’s DUMB!

Especially do not ask me to re-post status updates that contain false, unsubstantiated rumors. Justin Bieber is not dead. Oprah didn’t quit her talk show to run for president.

Facebook is NOT GOING TO START CHARGING YOU!

Let’s think about this for a minute.

Mark Zuckerberg  – super smart.

Charging for Facebook – super dumb.

People would drop Facebook faster than CBS dropped Charlie Sheen when he was #winning. Facebook would end up in the social media graveyard with MySpace.

Unless the CEO of Netflix takes over Facebook, you have nothing to fear.

Also Facebook is not stalking you, recording all your personal information and sending it to the Chinese government.

Homeland Security, maybe.

China, no.

While I’m on a rant, here are a few other things you can stop doing on Facebook.

Don’t invite me to your fake events. I’m not going to attend Jesus’ birthday on December 25th with you, because I’ll be busy celebrating it at home. With my family. In real life.

Don’t ask me to join your fake group, “I’m out to prove there are 1,000,000 people who love Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes and want them to serve them all year round. Who’s with me?” Pumpkin spice lattes are sacrosanct to fall. Period. The end.

{Sac·ro·sanct/ˈsakrōˌsaNG(k)t/. Look it up.}

Don’t send me a Facebook message asking me to post some cryptic status update that makes me sound like a hussy to bring about awareness of some deadly disease. AWARENESS. Hmm, yeah. See if nobody knows what you’re talking about there isn’t any awareness!

Also just saying that you support people with life-threatening marshmallow allergies doesn’t actually help people with life-threatening marshmallow allergies. I know it makes you feel like you’re doing something so you don’t actually have to donate money or volunteer your time, but you’re not.

You’re not doing anything except wasting your time on Facebook to avoid the 17 other things you should do instead.

Just like the other 350 million people wasting their time on Facebook to avoid the 17 other things they should do instead.

If you believe Facebook is really just a big black hole in the universe of time sucks, take a stand with me and please re-post this as your status. 98 percent of people won’t re-post this because they know it’s true.