See that picture?
It’s David meeting Wade for the first time at the hospital.
I came across it again the other day. I should love that photo. It should create warm, fuzzy feelings inside me.
But it doesn’t.
When I look at this picture all I see is David’s hair. See how his bangs are long? See how he’s holding his head funny to keep his hair out of his eyes?
It hurts my heart to look at that picture. Not because his hair isn’t perfect, but because David’s long hair represents my nine month long Epic Mom Fail when I was pregnant with Wade.
I should have taken David to get his cut. It was like that for weeks. But I didn’t. I didn’t feel well.
Pregnant glow? I don’t know what that is. I’m miserable when I’m pregnant. I get really sick with nausea, headaches, sleeplessness, exhaustion — more than the average pregnant lady. I also get depressed. I don’t know if it’s because or in addition to the other symptoms. Add all that together, and what you get is a lousy mom.
I didn’t feel well enough to get in the car and drive David to the barber shop, or to do much of anything else. I was cranky, short and angry with him when I shouldn’t have been. He probably asked me hundreds of times during those nine months, “Mom, will you play with me?” I always said, “Mommy doesn’t feel good. Let’s watch a movie instead.” Which really meant, “You watch the movie while I lie here on the couch.” There were a lot of days we both stayed in our pajamas, because I never got around to getting either of us dressed. Other than making sure David didn’t burn the house down, I didn’t do much besides count down the hours until my husband got home from work.
The doctor tested me to see if there were any outside causes of my ailments. All the results came back the same. The only thing wrong with me was that I was pregnant.
Wade came five weeks early. Something I was ecstatic about once I learned there were no complications from his early birth. I was so glad to be done with that pregnancy. Almost immediately my mood improved. Despite recovering from a C-section, I felt a million times better physically too.
I only learned about antepartum depression a few months ago. We hear a lot about postpartum depression, but not much about those of us who are miserable while we’re pregnant. I believe I experienced antepartum depression, and I wish I’d known what it was when I went through it.
“Mom guilt” isn’t my thing usually, but two and half years later I still feel bad about those nine months. I feel like I ignored and neglected David. Oh, he was safe and fed and bathed, but I didn’t get down on the floor and play with him. I didn’t take him to the zoo. I lived for his nap time so I could have a couple hours to be miserable alone. I was more like a bad babysitter than a good mom.
I asked David about it the other day. “Do you remember how sick Mommy was when she was pregnant with Wade? That wasn’t a lot of fun was it? I’m sorry.”
He shrugged and asked, “What are you talking about?”
He doesn’t remember, but I do. Maybe he wasn’t scarred for life, but I was.
I know it’s hard not to, but don’t worry about things like that. Like you said, your son doesn’t even remember, so he doesn’t even feel there’s anything that needs forgiving. So why beat yourself up about thinking you’ve hurt someone, when that person isn’t even hurt? Despite what we all portray on blogs, on Facebook, and through every other social filter out there, none of us is perfect. Heck, I’m not pregnant, and sometimes I am too lazy to cut my son’s hair. Sometimes I just say “let’s just watch a ton of cartoons today.” God’s not writing these things down anywhere. He knows we’re frail – especially when we’re pregnant – and He’s very gracious to bring not just us, but our precious little ones through it with us. Don’t let yourself wallow in something God’s brought you out of. Just love your little ones now that you’re feeling better!
@Naomi, Thanks for the encouraging words!
Antepartum depression is definitely something that needs to be brought out into the light more. I think a lot of moms go through it and don’t realize that it is a real condition and get help, instead thinking it is just them.
I know there are times when I have issues with depression, and I’m not the best, most fun mom on those days at all. It can be very hard.
@Tracie, It’s so tough. I’m thankful mine was short-lived. I feel for woman who deal with it long-term.
It is till one of my favorite pictures of those
two!
Thank you for sharing your story. I actually had postpartum depression that I am not sure I am ready to blog about yet because it was such a difficult time in my life! You inspired me to actually make a post about it one day. Thank you for bringing light to a new type of depression. That must of been hard being pregnant and going thru this at the same time. Big hugs to you
@melissa, Thanks! It’s not easy, but I think it’s important to share these stories so other women know they’re not alone.