Oh, we’re not going to all burn up during some sort of apocalyptic alien invasion. No. It’s actually worse. Much worse, and is certainly the end of the world as we know it.
2012 is the year we run out of…
God help us.
That’s right. Apparently there’s some sort of European swine shortage happening right now that’s going to lead to an international bacon crisis.
That alone is a serious problem.
Add to that the coffee shortage that started brewing in 2010, and you have a multifaceted disaster, the likes of which the world has never seen.
Think of your children growing up in a world where a mocha java doesn’t have any java in it.
Imagine a BLT sandwich without the B.
What would eggs do in the morning without bacon next to them?
What would happen to all the Baristas employed by coffee houses?
The human, cultural and economic impacts of a world-wide bacon and coffee famine are almost too great to grasp. This should be on the agendas of both parties’ presidential candidates, yet it goes completely unnoticed.
It’s time to go into survival mode. Start stockpiling. Fill your deep freezers with all the bacon you can find. Thick-cut, maple flavor, peppercorn — it doesn’t matter — just squirrel away all the cured pork you can.
And coffee. Clean out a closet and stack those cans of French roast floor to ceiling. Better yet, add-on an extra room and fill it. Can’t afford to remodel? Make your kids share a bedroom.
If you really want to help the cause, start raising pigs, so you can make your own bacon. Experiment with growing coffee in your basement.
Look people, this is serious. The only way America will survive a world-wide coffee and bacon shortage is if we start preparing now.
Somehow the Mayans predicted this crisis. We’ve been warned. What do we do? Sit idly by and watch as the world runs out of the meat and drink of life? Or do we rally the human spirit in the eleventh hour and add pages to the calendar, splattered with bacon grease and coffee stains?
The time has come for us to be great, and we’ll do it with Venti Salted Caramel Mochas in one hand and Bacon Double Cheeseburgers in the other.