You see them lurking everywhere this time of year. The Walmart parking lot, in front of the door at Sam’s Club, even the car wash. Their innocent faces and sweet smiles belie the treachery of the wares they hawk.
It’s a familiar path. You know once you start you won’t stop until you savor all the toothsome contents. You’re mind tells you to walk away, but your tongue tingles in anticipation. As if they’re not your own, you’re feet walk you over to the table of forbidden goods.
In the dark shadows of a big box store, the deal goes down. You slip them the cash, grab the packages and run for cover to your car. You look around to make sure no one is watching. Then safely concealed by your car’s tinted windows, unable to wait, you tear into the sweet, sweet parcel.
At home you toss the now empty box in the trash, burying it under the pizza box from last night to hide the evidence. The rest you stash in your underwear drawer. The children must never find them. The brown crumbs stuck in the corners of your mouth and minty smell on your breath are the only hints left to your saccharine secret.
The Thin Mints you bought 20 minutes ago from Girl Scout Troop Local 355 are no more.
Seriously what do those little girls put in their cookies? They’re so addictive. You can’t have just one or two or five. The government should put a warning on the boxes:
Surgeon General’s Warning: Girl Scout Cookies cause over-eating, loss of self-control and gluttony. They may complicate dieting.
If you’re lucky you have your own personal source. That gives you much easier access to the cookies. If you don’t, just ask your mom friends. Girl Scouts usually put their mothers to work dealing for them.
Make sure you stock up. Girl Scout Cookies go fast, and you can only get them once a year. When they’re off the market the street value on those babies goes way up. You don’t want to find yourself standing in someone’s garage over their deep freezer at three in the morning paying for Tag Alongs with money from your kid’s pawned video game system.
Disclaimer: Girl Scout Cookie addiction is a serious disease. If you think this may be you, please seek help. You can start by sending me your cookie stash.