As he sits across from me at the dinner table I see the developing muscles in his arm flex just from lifting his fork to his mouth.
His shoulders seem broader.
The hair growing on his upper lip is thickening ever so slightly.
His appetite to feed his growing body seems to double every day.
He wavers between the little boy I’ve known for eight years and the young man he’s becoming. One minute he’s smashing baseballs so hard in the backyard, I’m afraid he’ll put it though the neighbor’s window an acre away. The next he’s dissolving into frustrated tears because he can’t find the ball he hit into the weeds.
As he passes me on the porch he grabs me around the waist and stoops to tuck his head under my chin in a spontaneous hug. “I love you mom!”
He’s almost as tall as I am. How long until he’s too cool to hug me?
Then I realize — He’s closer to nine than eight. And then he’ll be 10. We’ll be in the double digits.
Suddenly it feels like time is sprinting forward, pushing us toward the finish line. Eight years of memories — late-night baby snuggles, his first Halloween, the day he learned to swim in Lake Michigan, the Mother’s Day card he made me when he was five, his first PeeWee football touchdown — flash through my mind.
It was all so fast. I’m running out of time.
It’s not that I don’t want him to grow up. I do. Since he was born I’ve looked forward to seeing what sort of man he will become. But somehow during those first years it seemed like time would go slower for us.
Now I feel opportunity slipping away. The weeks, the days, the hours I have to influence him, to make sure he can thrive in the big, wide world are numbered.
Nine years and five months until the world legally considers him an adult.
And I know it’s more urgent than ever to fully invest. To teach the hard lessons. To love deeply.
More urgent than ever to wear holes in the carpet by my bedside where I kneel and pray, asking God to bless him, protect his heart and to help me parent him well in spite of all of my inadequacies.
He’s talking to his little brother and I overhear him say, “Yeah, Wade. Someday you and me won’t be here. We’ll go to college and get married and stuff.”
He doesn’t realize how soon Someday is coming. But I know.
I know.
This brought tears to my eyes. I feel this way often. I see my 5 year old growing one more step toward being independent of me, my 11 year old is maturing and he’s not a little boy anymore, my 13 year old is too old to be hugged in front of his friends, and my 15 year old has facial hair, body hair, size 14 shoes and he’s 4 inches taller than me. Every single day I pray that I’m raising them to be the best men they can be.
Right there with you sister, you captured this beautiful and sad and exciting and time perfectly!
So, so true. My not so little guy will be 10 in 3 months! Ugh… I was just noticing last week how he’s not a little boy anymore. His build is changing- everything is changing. Motherhood is constantly letting go…
Aw, that was beautiful. That gave me chills and I so get what you’re saying. My baby is 7. He’s my only one and time goes by so fast. Thank you so much for putting that so wonderfully into words.
Time flies by so fast! So sweet of a post. : )
Amen! My youngest is just six months away from turning 11! I kept this mantra going all summer long: be in the moment, be in the moment.
As a work at home Mom, I really tried to treasure each moment with my daughters this summer more than last year because, like you, I see time moving much too quickly. Great post Colleen!
You just had to do it, didn’t you….I have tears in my eyes now because my baby turns 10 this December!! I know exactly what you’re going through!! {{hugs}}
I love this! My kiddos are 20, 17, 14, 12, 9, 7, 3 and little one due in January… My 3 year old son looks almost exactly like my 17 year old son did at his age. I find myself flicking back and forth between their faces in my mind and I realize just how quick it is all going….
I work in postpartum as a newborn nurse and I always tell the new moms… Don’t blink!
It goes way too fast! Seems like just yesterday my oldest was a baby and he’ll be headed off to college in a couple of years now!! How did that happen?! Its bittersweet isn’t it?!
Ugh, My little ones are still very little but this is still happening to me. You said this so well!