Why Thin Mints are a Threat to Public Health and How to Manage Your Addiction

We just made it through the feeding frenzy that starts with Halloween and continues through Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentine’s Day. Fat Tuesday was yesterday. I indulged in the requisite Paczki packed with sugar and jellied fruit.

I stepped on the scale this morning and whew! I didn’t lose any weight, but somehow I managed to not gain any either from stuffing my face with chocolate and cookies for four months. OK, It’s lent. A forty day break between now and Easter. I’m giving up eating ALL THE THINGS.

Then there they are. Those deceptively sweet looking little girls selling their addictive crack cookies on the street. I actually pre-order mine. There’s something unseemly about handing over cash to a child in the shadow of a Wal-Mart store for a fix. I have a friend who’s a dealer mom with littler girls in The Organization that hooks me up every year.

I only bought two boxes this time. Over the years I learned I just can’t handle them. Those fraudulently named Thin Mints are my greatest weakness. Why do they call them Thin Mints? They’re not diet food. They don’t make you thin. How does the FDA let them get away with that kind of false advertising? They’re just like the so-called skinny jeans I bought that make me look fatter.

In the past I’ve eaten an entire box of Thin Mints in one day. Now I have children, so I corrupt them by sharing and there’s less for me to devour.

It’s come to my attention that this Thin Mint compulsion is a universal problem. I’m not the only one who exhibits addictive behavior during cookie season.

“Mom, where’s my lunch money? Did you use it to buy cookies again?”

“Honey, why are there empty cookies boxes under the bed?”

“I didn’t eat ALL the cookies. There’s two left. See, I don’t have a problem.”

“I’ll give you $100 for that box of cookies in your freezer.”

I can’t believe Thin Mints are not a controlled substance. I’m putting together a special interest group to lobby Congress to put laws in places to prevent the abuse of Girls Scout cookies. I think they should also be labeled with a health warning similar to the Surgeon General’s warning on cigarettes. I need to talk to Michele Obama about this. Until then here’s some information I’ve put together in the interest of public health:

Thin Mints Nutritional Information

40 calories per cookie; 1 Weight Watchers point

160 calories per serving of 4 cookies; 5 Weight Watchers points

640 calories in one sleeve of Thin Mints; 18 Weight Watchers points

1280 calories in a box of Thin Mints; 36 Weight Watchers points

With the right information you can make healthy decisions.

An entire box of Thin Mints is a little less than two-thirds of the recommended daily caloric need of the average woman. So you can eat an entire box for lunch, but you’ll need to skip dinner. Or since one sleeve is only 640 calories, pace yourself and have one for lunch and one for supper. If you’re on a diet that requires several small meals a day eat a four cookie serving every two to three hours. I know Weight Watchers is poplar with a lot of people. If you eat the whole box you’ll still have some of your weekly Points Plus Allowance left over.

Knowledge is power. Indulge wisely and carefully in your cookies this year.

And remember to wipe the crumbs off your face, or they’ll give you away.