10 Lessons Lindsey Lohan Can Teach Daycare Kids

Lindsey Lohan is doing her community service at a daycare.

Yep. Let that sink in for a minute.

I know that sounds like a cushy assignment. Shouldn’t she be cleaning up Red Bull cans and Quarter Pounder wrappers on the side of the road with a trash picker? But think about it. Seven hours a day with a herd of kids asking you, “why,” every five minutes, crying because the head broke off their animal cracker and touching everything with sticky juice box hands. Finger paint splattered art shirts are the new black. Ugh! I’d rather spend six months in a nice, quiet padded cell.

Or course, there’s a lot Lohan can teach her little proteges over the 125 hours she has to spend with them. Here’s how some of her life lessons might apply to preschoolers:

1. Lindsey’s Lesson: A road rage episode while driving with a suspended license and under the influence of both alcohol and cocaine will get your arrested. Preschool Lesson: Kids, if you’ve had one too many boxes of apple juice, get a friend’s mom to drive you and your Big Wheel  home.

2. Lindsey’s Lesson: If you do commit a crime, stick to the non-violent variety. They’ll keep letting you out of jail due to overcrowding, and you’ll just have to do community service at a daycare. Preschool Lesson: When you steal your friend’s lunch money, don’t punch him in the face too.

3. Lindsey’s Lesson: Skipping out on probation isn’t a great idea, but it’s no biggie either. They’ll threaten to throw you back in jail, then let you out again due to overcrowding. Preschool Lesson: Your parents don’t really mean it when they take away your TV privileges, because they realize it punishes them too.

4. Lindsey’s Lesson: Sometimes it’s better to just turn yourself in to the proper authorities. Preschool Lesson: You might as well admit you sneaked out of your room and ate all the Oreos for breakfast, because the crumbs around your mouth give you away.

5. Lindsey’s Lesson: If you know you have a drug test coming up, don’t use cocaine the day before. Preschool Lesson: Stay in school, don’t do drugs and study hard, so you learn to tie your shoes.

6. Lindsey’s Lesson: Don’t attack your rehab nurse if you want to get out early for good behavior. Preschool Lesson: Don’t throw a fit when the teacher tells you recess is over, or you won’t get to go out for afternoon recess.

7. Lindsey’s Lesson: Don’t shoplift expensive jewelry. They will find you. Preschool Lesson: Ask you friend for that piece of candy before just taking it out of his backpack.

8. Lindsey’s Lesson: House arrest is better than community service, because you can just Tweet and watch TV all day. Preschool Lesson: Your parents can’t really ground you when you’re four, because there’s nothing to take away from from you, and they’ll still let you watch Disney Jr. *See No. 3

9. Lindsey’s Lesson: Do your community service the first time, or they’ll put a bench warrant out for your arrest. Preschool Lesson: You really don’t want to know what happens if your mom gets to three.

10. Lindsey’s Lesson: If you don’t drink and drive, you won’t have to flee the scene every time you have a minor accident. Preschool Lesson: It’s OK if you didn’t make it to the potty in time, but make sure you tell someone you peed on the floor in the lunchroom, so Mrs. Smith doesn’t slip and fall in it again.

Yep. Lindsey Lohan working at a daycare. What could possibly go wrong?